So, a lot of you have picked up on something. I haven't been myself lately. Lack of streaming, of socializing, of...well, of anything. And I think it's time I tell you all the reasons why. Brace yourselves, because it's not going to be funny.
Back in October, my grandmother had a stroke. It wasn't a burst blood vessel, so not a super-severe one. But one enough to make it hard for her to move the right side of her body. She got out of the hospital on Thanksgiving, however, she needed someone to stay with her to help her and make sure she didn't hurt herself. My mother was the only one who could do it, as my uncles all had their own lives and such. So, starting then, she's been up there, and I've been here. And during that time, she's had two more strokes. I hope she'll recover soon.
Ever since it happened, though, I've been alone. I hate being alone. It gets too quiet, and that's when my mind starts to put dark thoughts into my head. But, thanks to the lovely people I chat with on an almost daily basis on Skype, it hasn't been as bad. Money is tighter than ever, as now I HAVE to buy food not only for myself, but for my cat as well.
But one of the drawbacks is, I've slipped into a very deep depression. I don't go out the door unless I absolutely have to. I don't eat as much anymore. And I've become more easily frustrated and angry at little things. And then, there's commissions and streams. I...can't even bring myself to do them sometimes. Instead, I veg out on Youtube or Tumblr or some other thing. And, as you can probably guess, it's caused me to build up quite a backlog.
Now, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I have thoughts telling me I don't deserve to be happy. That I'm scum. I'm a waste of space. And every day, I tell those thoughts to fuck off. It gets harder and harder, though.
To those that I owe art to: I still fully intend to get your art done. I'm not a quitter. My friends have offered to help keep my mind on track, and focused on completing this backlog. I also intend to try and stream more often, if anything to show that I am attempting to complete the work I owe. All I ask is, please, have a bit more patience with me. I know I've disappointed some of you, even angered others. And I am deeply, truly sorry if I did.
I want to have a clear backlog. I want to be able to do art for all of you, without the guilt of knowing that I still owe things to others. Most of all, I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile again.
Sorry if I'm rambling. I just thought all of you should know what's been going on with me.
Mood: I Have To Pee